Freddy's Greatest Hits!

How sweet; fresh beats!

When it comes to holidays, Christmas has all of the luck. There are toys and other gifts, great big feasts, and it arrives earlier and earlier each year. Superior celebrations like Halloween can barely get a month anymore before the big fat guy starts making appearances in every nook and cranny capable of being shoved into the average human’s senses. What a bummer!

Nothing sucks worse than hearing “Jingle Bell Rock” in late September when the stores are setting up their Thanksgiving displays, but at least Christmas has songs. Halloween often gets yuletide melodies with some cheesy new lyrics by and for preschoolers and that’s what we, as a society, have deemed acceptable. For shame! Sure, we have “Purple People Eater” and sigh, “The Monster Mash,” but do we really need to hear those on repeat due to a lack of imagination?

I guess so, because when we were at last given a record starring horror icon Freddy Krueger, this audio abomination was the result:

What can I say about The Elm Street Group and their sole release, Freddy’s Greatest Hits? That something this awful was ever made perplexes me more than how they managed to actually get Robert England to provide the voice of Freddy on every single song. I was almost positive that they just sampled audio from the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise for the majority of it, but many entries very clearly have original takes of England performing new lines just for this dog turd of an album. I hope you’re in for a fright, because we are about to take a deep dive into this travesty and each of its nine tracks. You’ll never see Elm Street the same way again!

1. Do The Freddy

Nothing says “horrible death at the hands of a sleep demon” quite like this bouncy ‘80s cover of an already strange 1960s fad song and its accompanying dance. The Freddie was performed by raising one’s left leg and both arms, then the right leg and both arms ad infinitum or until the tune ended. Sounds about as fun as a colonoscopy. Had this move gone by another name, or had been originally performed by anyone other than Freddie and the Dreamers, it would never have been included. With new lyrics that reference Mr. Krueger and a constantly repeating sample of his diabolic laughter and wailing, you will surely be left without friends after dropping the needle on this one at your next Halloween party.

2. Dance Or Else

While dance marathons are still a thing to some degree, they are a far cry from those held a century ago that could last days and, in some cases, result in death. If Freddy is hosting, that is probably going to be the standard from the get go. It’s unfortunate that we’ll have to dance to this obnoxious pop drivel until our dreams claim our souls or we somehow manage to wake in time. Bleh.

3. In The Midnight Hour

Another crappy cover, this time of a Wilson Pickett tune that, like “Do the Freddy,” was probably only chosen because of its name. Anyone who has listened to or read the lyrics would know that a song about love and sex has nothing to do with death by nightmares, but don’t let that stop the production! We also get to hear Robert England sing in character for a little bit in the opening, and it sucks about as much as you would expect. Don’t quit your night job!

4. Don’t Sleep

I take back what I said about this album being a turd; this song is awesome! While it would be fairly mediocre on its own, being a part of Freddy’s Greatest Hits makes it a masterpiece given the majority of what surrounds it. The one downside is the constant Krueger laughing and taunts telling the listener not to sleep or dream. Remove that tripe and you’ve got a decent ‘80s power ballad about murder.

5. All I Have To Do Is Dream

Oh look, it’s another shitty cover chosen only because of the title with little interjections by Freddy scattered throughout. Just rip me to shreds already; I’ve had enough.

6. Obsession

Humans and androids, I give you the best song on this entire album! Like “Don’t Sleep,” this is an original piece that actually rocks. It could just as easily be about Michael Myers or other horror villains (or a crazed ex-lover for that matter), and that makes it a playable gem that you can break out at any time of the year and not just at Halloween. While the lyrics are a bit too trite for my liking, you have to take a win where you can get one. Maybe some of your friends will even come back to your party after this starts, but don’t count on it.

7. Woolly Bully

It took me several listens before I realized that the only reason this cover exists is because Freddy Krueger wears a sweater, and that sweaters are woolly and Freddy’s a bully. Next!

8. Down In The Boiler Room

Mmm, milquetoast funk: tastes just like Wonder Bread! I love the emphasis England has placed on the word “boiler” when he sings the title. The sensual crooning is more out of place than some of the songs selected for this record. Unlike the last original track, this one mostly blows. It’s too long, the music is overly repetitive, and the lyrics sound like they were created by artificial intelligence if you were to enter the prompt “scary song ooOOoo!”

9. Elm Street Dreams

We end this wretched album with an instrumental that was mastered at a lower volume than the other eight tracks, so that’s always a nice treat. Perhaps it was due to the bass solo that fills the middle of the piece, or the engineers just stopped caring and wanted to get home. The synth stabs are aggravating and I swear that I’ve heard that sound before in a low budget horror film playing a shoddy two or three note villain theme. Though Freddy sees us off, what we have just endured has made us all a little less frightened of him.

Now, what sort of friend would I be if I were to deprive you of this monstrosity? For your “enjoyment,” I now give you Freddy’s Greatest Hits!